reading my old entry is crazy.. just to think all those emotions.. to find out im pregnant. and i had no fucking idea, thats horrible. well im 6 months now.. only 3 months left.. ya only. gunna be the longest months of my life though. im scared. really scared.going out to hawii the end of august, coming back the end of october. living on my own is gunna be weird and all types of scary.

lifes been up and down lately, one day im up, the next im completely down. im attatched to this babie now and it sucks. im sick of people judging me because of this adoption thing. every day i get a differnt person asking me, did you change your mind yet? did you? your gunna regret it, or do you think your gunna regret it? no im not going to fucking regret it. i'll miss my babie and God knows im going to be emotionally fucked up for a while but doesnt everyone get IM NOT DOING THIS FOR ME im not doing this because I WANT to go to school or because IM ONLY 17 im doing this because THE BABIE deserves a life with a father and a mother that will be around for him/her. and be able to share all those moments with them. a family that is ready for a child to come in there life, yes i know i could make it and i no a kid only needs love to survive, but honestly look at me. Im not anywere close to being able to raise a child, im still learning things im not responsible enough for that. ya i should of never had sex if i wasnt ready for the responsibility but honestly who does now a days? 14, 15 year old girls now already having sex.. oh ya they think they would be able to take care of a kid. ya im sure i could but why not give this amazing gift to a couple that isnt able to have children, why not give this blessing to someone that will be able to do it right and be able to raise  mychild right. i want what is best for this child, and i know thats not meant to be a life with me. and yes its going to KILL me, but taht doesnt matter right now, my life isnt what matters. im making a huge decision about someone elses future not just my own. i dont no, it just bothers me like people have the nerve to come to me and say that shit. im going through so much and all they have to ask me is if i know im making the wrong decision. its my decision so when you want to stop judging and shut the fuck up get back to me.

i have my drivers test july 10th
due in october
still going to school
gaining more weight :)
eating like crazy

& it sucks, but i know ill never stop loving him
but i no its time for me to let go..

its been a long month.. a long past couple months.. i dont really  no how to grasp anything that has happened over the past couple weeks. james, the shooting, the baby... i lost the one guy that meant the world to me because i listened to what other people said, i no all they did was care, but none of them have any idea how muhc pain im going through right now, & really i dont think they would care.. he was my everything, and even tho he has tried and tried to fuck up my life, he shot up my friends house, and stole from me i still want him and nothing more. i guess it just hurts.. and i no hes such a better person then all of this.. jail for 1-3 years.. he was supposed to go to college for that time.. preying for his forgiveness.. even tho he doesnt even deserve mine...

craig had his baby. jakai isiah jackson :) i guess he looks just like craig :) im happy for him i really am, but i dont no if im strong enough to stay in his life right now.. i really dont its getting easier day to day but then he will call, or come over and it starts all over again.. it hurts.. alot.. but theres nothing i can do about it and i no that.. just living one day at a time.. putting the pieces of my heart back together...

j lives with me, its wonderful :) the only thing that fucking pisses me off to an extreme is when she takes advantage of me, her friends are over our friends are over i should say, and sometimes i just dont feel like hangin out with them, or i start fucking balling so i cant be downstairs and she gets mad because im sad.. and when i ask her to clean up her mess she just acts like im a fucking bitch and tells me she didnt make it.. thats not the point, the point is i need help, and her living here means that she has to help clean sometimes, and she does dont get me wrong she helps out all the time, but only when she feels like it, only when shes in the right mood. i guess im glad that it gets done but idk. and shes always ditching me for alex which i understand is going to happen, but my god if she fucking gets mad at me when i get a boyfriend and i want to just hang out with him i will hang that girl. shes a hypocrite, the biggest one i have met. but i love her. and i just wish she wouldnt get  so pissed off when i was honest with her. thats all. but that girls my sister, we fight like sisters, and i love her more then anything on this fucking planet i dont no where i would be if it wasnt for her. her momma got surgery and we went and saw her today.. i love her mommy shes so cute.

lately ive just been really fucking depressed and i have no idea why, i'll just be sitting in my room straightening my hair, or sitting in my bed txting or sittin on the comp and ill just start balling my eyes out and i have NO idea why, my body is always exausted and i just feel liek complete shit. i dont no why and i hate it. its keeping me back from having alot of fun and i hate that. and its starting to get to my friends too. deej i think is the only one that truely understand that part of me. besides sammy she always has but its different cause shes not around.. i wish she was here, i miss that girl. but me and deej will have like really good conversations about shit and i no he actually understands were im coming from because i think he feels it too. j doesnt feel what i feel, the depression so i dont think she can understand where i am coming from and i think it sometimes confuses her and makes her mad.

me and tina are becoming good friends again. god ive missed that girl. steph, i love her she can drive me crazy sometimes when it involves collin hurting her 24/7 but she noes i just get upset because she doesnt deserve his shit. at the end of the day i love her. :) school sucks.. pretty much im switching to highview hopefully *cross fingers* my meetings on monday and my interview is on thursday, hopefully i can graduate early :)

so james is out of jail, klub bailed him out yesterday i really want to talk to him, but i no thats not possible.. everyone blames everything on me in his little group, which kinda sucks i just want to tell him that i love him more then anything, and that while he is gone all im gunna do is think about him every single day, every morning i wake up he is all thats on my mind, and before i go to bed, hes ALL i think about, i love that boy with every inch of my body and i wish i just would of none before i fucked up completely,  his life has completely spun out of control because of me and i feel soooo fucking horrible about it. i miss him i miss us. i miss his love i miss his kisses i miss his hugs i miss him so fucking much i would die for him. i would take a bullet for him. i would go to jail for 3 years for him. i would do anything for him. why the fuck did i have to fuck up so bad. i hate this.

so ya me and james got back together of coarse.. we couldnt deal with it. it lasted for about.. mmm a week? not even. we just celebrated out 7 month.. :) i had to work all day but after that we spent all night together.

work has been going good. im the only girl there which gets kind of frusterating but its fun..
i just got mcdonalds :) got to put my winter coat on :)

i miss sammy and jennie. <3 my two bff's that moved away from me. they really need to come back..

im tired.. been sick alot lately....

saw chainsaw masacre with james josh dre and ted on friday it SUCKED i couldnt even watch it, ick it just made me wanna puke

going to see the grudge next friday?

i havnt talked to whit in like 3 days... :/ i hope shes doing okay i miss her..

get paid next friday :)

and thursday with my ma.

excited=yes

196 at shell
40 from ma
236 :)

not much, but better then nothing. im gunna give my mom 50-100 everytime i get paid..save up for my car :)

get my license jan. 1st. :)

thats pretty much it...

i love you..

well me and james broke up for those of you that didnt hear

(like ppl go on here anyways)

i was broken, sad, depressed.

but now im okay with it.. cause i realize nothing lasts forever, and whatever is meant to happen will find its way right? im just trying to make a positive expierience out of this. ya it hurts but i cant be tied down my teenage years these years are supposed to be the best times of your life. hook ups parties.. freedom i love that kid to death dont get me wrong, and it hurts like hell to let him go but i just realized that sometimes things arent worth it, i need to live for me. not someone else. and he needs to live for himself and stop worrying about all my problems, i really felt bad and felt like i made his life more stressful. and he doesnt deserve that. hes an amazing person.

everythings just gone down hill
ran away.
fuck things up
cant get school straight
wtf is wrong with me